Behind my Smile

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Blog, Blogging, Change, Family, Growing Up, High school, Hurt, Life, My Story, Problems, School, Self Worth, Smile, Stress, Thoughts

If you knew me in real life, you would think that everything in my life is perfect. Nothing will really affect me enough for me not to have a smile on my face. If you were able to see the life that I’m living behind the curtains, you would think otherwise.

When I was a child, I was quite aggressive and rude. Looking back, my behaviour wasn’t the best. My temper was even worse. This was mainly because of the type of household I grew up in and who I was hanging out with at school. I’m not proud of who I was, but I can confidently say that if it wasn’t for who I was and realizing the type of person that I was, I would never have become who I am now.

I think I started to realize that my temper and my behaviour wasn’t the best in high school. I wasn’t entirely clear of who I was until my senior year. My temper was (and still kind of is) horrendous because of the way I grew up. Growing up, I rarely smiled and I was incredibly shy. I’m not entirely sure why, but in performances and videos, I would always have a straight face on. Also, growing up, very rarely did my dad sit me down and talk to me politely and explain things to me in a calm manner. It was usually told by him through anger and with him yelling at me. It got to a point where I would just talk back which made him even more pissed because he never listened to what anyone else would say. If he’s made up his mind, there’s nothing anyone could say to change that. In his mind, everything he thinks is 100% accurate and is the truth. It was very hard for me to hid the anger and the frustration whenever others were to upset me. I would fight fire with fire. Looking back, I’m ashamed that I let my anger get to the best of me and let it control me. Even now, I struggle with regulating my emotions because I am extremely sensitive but at the same time, I don’t want others to see that.

My behaviour started acting up when I was in elementary school. I was in a school that was predominately one race and I felt like an outsider. I thought that the only way to “fit in” was to hang out with the “cool kids” and do whatever they were doing. Even if that meant swearing and fighting at the age of 11. After my best friend moved away a few years later, I decided to switch schools, and that made all the difference.

Because of these experiences, I told myself that I will smile more and I won’t jump to conclusions too fast. I don’t want people to see the sad parts of my life because I don’t want their perception of me to change. I don’t want them to know that I’m anything else than the happy and bubbly person that I try to portray myself as. But in all honesty, I’m broken. I have trust issues, I have a hard time letting people in and telling them my struggles. Just with my best friend, it took about  year to a year and a half for me to be more open and honest with how I’m feeling and the things that I’m going through. It’s progress, but I still question whether I should tell someone about my problems, regardless of who it is.

The transition from who I was to who I am now is still a work in progress. I’ve come a long way to becoming who I am now or who I seem to be, but there’s still a lot of work I need to do emotionally. But something like that isn’t an issue the ordinary person would see just by having one or two conversations with me. Even if they’ve known me for years, they still might not know anything behind the smile. And that’s because I’ve done such a good job hiding it so deep down that my automatic reaction is to shut everyone out. The only way for me to get out the feelings I have inside is through these blog posts where no one knows who I am. That’s the only way I’ll feel comfortable letting anyone in.

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Is High School better than College…?

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Academics, Blog, Blogging, college, Experiences, High school, Life, Opinions, School, Stories, Stress, Thoughts, University

High school was so much easier… But just because it was easier, does it make it better?

Recently, I’ve encountered a whole list of set backs. From academics, to extracurriculars, to friends. Now, it’s not as bad as it sounds. I would consider them to be rather minor setbacks, but we, as humans, have a habit of holding onto those setbacks and letting it linger in our hearts. Or well, I do anyways. With these setbacks, I’ve been wondering if I felt better in high school. If things were easier. I think the main reason why I started thinking about this is because the last time I had a major hit in academics was in grade 12, before I graduated. I was stressed during that time because I had to maintain a certain average to retain one of my university acceptances, and my calculus mark was just fluctuating. I remember breaking down a few times either during or after school because I was so stressed out about my mark. Now, I just received one of my midterm marks back and I’m feeling the same sense of anxiety and stress. I feel like breaking down, but my mind isn’t letting me because I have 2 more exams coming up this week. I absolutely hate this feeling. I just want to cry and let it all out, but I have no time…

It wasn’t until writing this post that I realized something. When I was telling you my experience in high school, I remembered the thought I had about a year ago. I was thinking back to how stressed I was in high school and how it really doesn’t matter now what that mark is. I did manage to maintain the average that I needed, but I didn’t even end up choosing that university. I realized how irrelevant it is in the grand scope of things. In 5 years, I’m not going to care about the 50% I got on a midterm in 2nd year. The only reason and motivation for me to continue and to do better in the course is first, passing the course, and the idea of getting a great job. I believe that I am able to do better because I know where my flaws are. I will improve, and that is my determination.

Going back to the whole high school idea, even though I did experience a similar situation, there was a lot less stress in terms of everything else I had going on in my life. But then I remembered all of the good things that has happened since I’ve been in university. The friends that I’ve made, the freedom, just the environment alone is one that I feel more comfortable in. So maybe high school was easier because the classes were easier, you had the same schedule every day with the same people, and you really didn’t have much to worry about (except when you’re anxiously waiting for that college acceptance). But university gives you an experience that you’ll never forget. With the added stress and pressure, it comes with a plethora of new friends, new experiences, and to be honest, a breath of fresh air. It’s here where I realized for the first time, that I’m going to be okay. And that regardless of what happens, I’m able to find my path and create the life that I want for my future.

A Life Changing Journey

Tags

Clarinet Player, Extrovert, High school, Introvert, Life changes, Music, Passion

People always tell you that post-secondary is where your life will change. It’s when you finally grow up, be independent, and truly be free (by “free” I mean without parental supervision). I don’t doubt this for a second. I truly do believe that the moment I start University, it will be the moment when I will realize how dependent I was on my parents and if I’m able to make a steady transition to being 99.9% independent.

But let’s take a step back for a moment… My transition to becoming independent and growing up, becoming a stronger, better version of myself started in high school.

When I first came to the school, I never really focused on school work and getting my definition of “good grades”. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, so I took a variety different courses along with the mandatory ones and tested the waters. One course though I knew I wanted to take from elementary school. I loved music. Music was my passion. Not only did I love listening to a wide variety of genres, but I also LOVED the clarinet. After picking up the instrument, it was a complete stress reliever.

The first day of school, I realized that I wasn’t the only one who had a passion for instrumental music. Our class was filled with about 90 students. It seemed like this was a place where people who normally wouldn’t talk would talk and get along. I couldn’t be more right. I have always been a quiet type of girl. Don’t get me wrong, I love making new friends, but I’m also extremely shy around people who I feel aren’t exactly “my type”. With that being said, I usually wouldn’t socialize with said people unless they approached me.

As the years progressed, I watch the classes get smaller and smaller. In my final year, there were only about 25 people who still took the course… But these people became my family. The music room was a home away from home. When you feel like you’re being judged every inch in the hallways and in classrooms, the music room was somewhere I always felt safe. Our teacher was always one of the best in the school. She was like our mom. She cared about us and the department more than anything. She’s always there to listen and help when you need it, she’s the one who will save your ass if you get into trouble, and she’s the only teacher I feel comfortable talking to about my problems. Through these 4 years, everyone in my class have seen me evolve into the person I am today. My closest friends were all in this department. Actually, my best friend is also in this department and we’re going to be moving in to University together!

Not only did this department help me make new friends, but it also made me open up to more people and to the endless amount of possibilities. It also gave me the strength to have more confidence in my abilities and talents. It wasn’t just a journey to improve my musical abilities, but it was a journey that changed my life. I still remember being the shy, sometimes awkward girl, reading off her notes when presenting an ISP (Independent Study Project). But by the time I was going to graduate, I an no longer that shy, awkward girl. I was presenting my ISP and talking to everyone like an extrovert. I guess the best description for me now is that I’m in between an extrovert and introvert. Can be social, but likes her independence. Now, I can’t exactly say that this change was 100% because of the music department, but this department sure was a huge part of this.

“One Band, One Sound”

6 Tips to Consider in your Final Year of High School

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college, High school, Life changes, tips, University

Surviving your final year in High School

1. Choose schools that YOU want and are interested in, that will benefit YOUR life and future.
2. Apply early for a chance to be considered for early admission. By doing this, you will give yourself the opportunity to take a breath of relief earlier in the year, instead of waiting until the end of the year.
3. Go to fairs, open houses, campus tours, etc when trying to decide what school you want to go to. Ultimately, if you don’t like the surrounding you’re in, you’re not going to do very well/you’re not going to enjoy what you’re doing for the next 4 years or so. This was said to me by various teachers at my school.
4. Talk to your guidance counselor, parents, family friends, friends, teachers, etc and ask them for their opinion. You don’t and shouldn’t necessarily listen to everything they say, but it will help you better understand yourself and what you want to do and where you want to be. They might notice things about you that you never really considered yourself.
5. Email the admissions offices regarding any questions you have about their program. Sometimes, the different responses may actually be an important influential factor in your decision. One response may not be as satisfying and desired compared to some of the other ones.
6. Join the social media pages to meet you potential future classmates and friends. It’s a great way to meet new people, find roommates, and learn more about your program and school. I would highly recommend doing this.

These tips are just some things that I found helpful when I was in my final year. Some of these might help you too! Let me know if you guys would like me to do some more tips on other subjects! 🙂