I’m so tired…

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Life.. It has it’s ups and downs, that’s for sure.

I grew up in a rather more traditional family setting where the father is the main figure. Regardless of how hard I try to explain my perspective, it’s always been turned upside down into something that’s no where near what my true intentions were. Every time I try to explain something, it would always be assumed that I’m directly attacking them as a person and thinking that in my mind, I’m better than them and that I’m doubting all that they are and did. It makes me so upset and disappointed in the fact that they still don’t understand what kind of person I am after watching me grow up… 19 years… It’s been 19 years and the outcome has been the same for 19 years. It frustrates me that he would even think that. I’m his daughter… I’m not some stranger he just met. I just don’t understand why he would assume that everything I say when trying to explain my perspective is a direct attack on him. It just makes no sense.

I’m so tired. I’m so tired of trying to explain myself in every conversation and trying to explain that I’m not attacking anyone, but merely trying to explain my perspective. I’m so tired of crying after every single conversation because of the misunderstandings. I’m so tired of trying to fix a situation that should never have occurred in the first place. I’m just so tired…

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What is Love..?

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What is Love? Is it how the person looks when he/she is standing beside you? Is it the words they use when talking to you? Or is it the things that they do for you? Maybe it’s all of that combined… Or maybe it’s non of it.

Sometimes when you meet someone, you just know. You feel your heart racing faster and faster and as time progresses with that person, it all starts to make sense. It’s the way they look at you, how they make you smile, and how they make you feel. In those moments while you’re with them, even if it’s just for a second, you forget all about your flaws. They made you forget… Because they love you for who you truly are, without the makeup, the hairspray, the gel, the perfume, cologne, etc. They understand who you are behind the artificial cover.

Is that all love is though? Love is also the willingness to accept one another’s flaws and minor mistakes, while embracing each others’ differences. Love is so hard to explain, because it’s everything that person makes you feel, act, think, and how empty you feel when it’s no longer there.

The Boy Next Door

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“Move in day? Did you say move in day?!” I yelled as my mom tries to wake me up.

“I can’t believe it’s already time to move back to college!” I thought, looking at the calendar hanging by my bed. I’m happy and excited, yet sad and terrified. I have no idea what will happen this year.

“Will things be the same? What if the work is too hard? What if I don’t like my new apartment? But then again, what if things do change for the better? What if I love my new place? What if I do fine in school? What if, what if, what if…” A billion questions and possibilities flooded through my mind as I rushed downstairs to meet my parents. One by one I put on my new flats and head out for the long drive.

2 hours later, we finally arrive at my new apartment. There is a crowd of people waiting to use the elevators. I tell my parents that we can grab a bite to eat and then come back later. Hopefully the elevators will free up a bit by the time we get back. After an early lunch, my parents and I quickly moved everything from the car to my new room for the term. Gorgeous. That’s all I can say to describe my new place. The builders and designers definitely did a great job with the interior! I loved the clean yet modern design. As I walk back to my apartment after saying bye to my parents, I meet our neighbors, Jason and Nathan. We don’t talk for much but they seem really nice!

The next day, I head out to meet up with a few of my friends. We watch a movie, grab some lunch, and head to our favourite bubble tea store. While ordering, I see a guy siting with his friends, enjoying the same drink that I was. He kind of looks familiar, but I’m not sure  who and if I actually know him or not. I brush it off and get back to my friends. Later that night, as I was walking towards the elevators, I see the same guy that I did earlier getting into the same one as me.

“Which floor?” He asks.

“7” I respond.

He suddenly turns to me and says, “You live on the 7th floor too? I guess we’re neighbors!”

Surprised, I turn to him and say “Oh, really?? Which room are you? I’m in 703.”

“Wow! What a surprise! I’m 702!”

At that moment, it all made sense. The reason he looked so familiar was because we briefly met yesterday as I was heading back to my room.

During our time in the elevator and walking to our rooms, I got to know him a little better. His name is Jason, he’s a 3rd year engineer student, he loves basketball, and he can’t cook. Him and his roommate, Nathan, met in first year and have been best friends since. Based on our little conversation, Jason seems like quite an interesting guy. As we arrive at our doors, I tell him that if he needs anything like salt or sugar, he can always just knock. He says the same to me and we part ways.

The next morning, I wake up remembering a dream I had about my ex.

“Why am I dreaming about him?! We’ve been over for over a year now! We’re just friends and nothing more!” I say to myself softly.

This isn’t the first time this has happened and I highly doubt that it’s the last… My last relationship was one where strong feelings were involved. I guess it could’ve also happened because I still talk with him sometimes and we still occasionally hang out. Whatever the reason, I’m not going to think too much into it because I know that nothing more is ever going to happen again between him and I.

After grabbing some breakfast, I grab my bag and head out to my first class of the day. As I was approaching the elevators, I hear my name in the background. I turn around to see Jason waving to me. He quickly rushed to where I was and waited for the elevator beside me.

“Are you heading to your first class?” He asks.

“Yeah I am! I’m quite excited actually, to see my friends again and see how the course goes. Are you going to your class now too?” I reply.

“That’s really good! I hope you have a great first day! I’m also going to my first class. Not excited as you are though, aha. I guess I’ve reached the point where I’m just tired of going to lectures. The friends part is still nice though!”

“You’re getting old, aha” I joke.

He laughs and says, “I guess I can’t compare to a second year like yourself. Hey, if we’re going to be leaving around the same time for class, do you want to walk to campus together?”

Did he really just ask me to walk to campus together? Oh my gosh.. What do I say? Why am I freaking out so much? It’s just a friendly thing to do… Okay okay, just say sure and see how things go from there.

“Sure!” I finally responded.

From that day on, we would always meet each other outside our doors in the morning, go downstairs to get a coffee, and then walk to campus together where we then part ways. He is off to the engineer building and me, off to the business building. Through our morning interactions, I start having a bit of feelings towards him. To be honest, he’s actually quite handsome… I guess I’m… starting to… like him…? Oh gosh… Don’t fall too hard too quick… Plus, you don’t even know if he feels the same way about you… Throughout the day, I’ve been thinking of all of the conversations that we’ve had and all of the coffees that we’ve shared. We have a really fun time when we’re together! He’s really funny! I guess I’ll have to wait and see if he asks me to hangout outside of our usually morning rendezvous.

A few days go by and still nothing. I’m starting to think that we are just friends and he’s not interested in me… That Thursday, as we’re waiting for our coffees, he asks if I want to watch a movie and then grab some dinner tomorrow.

Stumbling on my words, I finally say, “Sure, that sounds like fun.”

That night, as we arrived at the theaters, he asks me if I wanted to watch a horror film. I quickly agree, telling him that I actually really like horror films even if I do get frightened by them. The movie wasn’t too scary as it was mainly about ghosts, spirits, and such. Even though I might not have been extremely scared, I would sometimes exaggerate my actions to see if there was anything he would do to comfort me. Since we have been talking for a while now, I’m hoping that there’s some level of comfort between us. To my contentment, he grabs my hand just as I was getting a bit startled by the pop-ups. I look at him and he smiles at me. I turn my focus back to the movie while still thinking about him. As the movie reaches its climax and most terrifying scene, Jason puts his arm around me and lightly brings me in closer to him. My heart begins to pound out of my chest.

“I sure hope he doesn’t notice it!” I thought.

As the movie ended, we both got up out of our seats and began walking out of the theaters.

“Is there anywhere you wanted to go for dinner?” He asks. At this moment, I was trying to choose between 2 options. I could tell him this really nice diner by our apartment, or I could ask him to come over and we can just casually cook something.

After thinking for a while, I finally asked, “How do you feel about coming over and cooking with me?”

Surprised, he said, “That actually sounds like a great idea! We can save the restaurant for another time!”

Happily, I looked at him and smiled as we began our journey back home.

During the walk back, we talked a bit about the plot and the acting in the movie. To be honest, there was a big chunk of the movie I couldn’t remember because all I was thinking about was how he was holding my hand and how his arm was around me… I really like the way he makes me feel… I feel… safe… As we arrive to my apartment, I open the fridge and ask him if he’s okay with some fried rice and chicken. He nodded his head and we get started with the cooking. As we were cooking, I discovered that he was telling the truth when he told me that he can’t cook. He asked me how to do every little thing! It was actually quite heartwarming to see him try something new and to cook with me even though he didn’t know how to. He did look very cute cutting the chicken breasts though!

After we ate, we went to the couch and just talked. That night, I learned so much more about him and he learned so much more about me. We talked about everything from the time his friend pulled his pants down in class to his relationship with his first love. There were times where things got serious, and there were times where all we could do was laugh. That night is definitely one for the story books, one that I will never forget.

When I woke up that morning, I realized that I had actually fallen asleep on his shoulder. He had his arm around me and his head resting on the arm rest. I guess we both must have just dozed off. I look at him and see that he’s still sleeping. He looks so cute. I lay back on to his shoulder and start thinking back to all the different conversations we had that night. Just as I was beginning to remember the story about him being the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland for Halloween, he starts to wake up. I silently rest on his shoulder and wait for his reaction when we realizes that we fell asleep and that I’m resting on him. I feel his head tilt down towards me and then back up. Then, he uses the arm that I’m resting on to bring me slightly closer to him. At that moment, all I could do was smile as I slowly lift my head and look at him. He smiles back at me and kisses my forehead as we both rest for a while longer.

The Beauty of the Stars

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Once upon a time, there was a girl living in a small town by the ocean. She was just an ordinary child who grew up without any siblings beside her. Her parents weren’t always available so she would usually rely on her friends for support and advice (especially about boys). This girl was extremely caring and patient.

One day, she was walking by the ocean with her friends when they came across a tall, rather handsome guy playing basketball with some friends. Her friends were the ones who first noticed him and “casually” ran towards him. He was a very kind and outgoing individual who didn’t mind having a group of girls suddenly approach him out of no where. The friends started talking to him, trying to introduce the two and anticipate for a connection.

“Hey, I’m Kevin”

This all happened so fast that the girl didn’t even know how to respond.

“Um.. Hey… I’m Carla”

… And that’s how it all started…

As time went on, Carla and Kevin became really close friends. Best friends even. They trusted each other with everything. But, there was one thing that Carla never told Kevin. Ever since the day they met, Carla has always secretly been thinking about Kevin, and about them one day becoming a couple. Carla thought that Kevin might have thought about her the same way, but was always too afraid to ask.

One late afternoon, Kevin and Carla were outside sitting on a stack of hay when Carla drew all of her courage to ask if Kevin liked her as more than a best friend. Kevin was taken by surprise by the unexpected question. It took him a while, but he finally responded…

“Sorry Carla… I’ve only thought about you as a friend… My heart is with my childhood friend, Beth…”

Carla was devastated by Kevin’s response but replied with decency.

“Oh, ahaa! That’s totally okay with me… I mean, we’re pretty great as friends anyways right?” She laughed it off, but they both knew that things were going to change.

That night, Carla thought about every situation that has led her to believe that Kevin was feeling the same way about her that she did for him. “I don’t like you” are the four words that kept resonating in her head. “I don’t like you, I don’t like you, I don’t like you”. These four words started turning into “I will never like you” and “You will never be Beth”.

Over the next few months, Kevin and Carla barely had a conversation together. Things were different now. Carla knew Kevin’s true intentions and it devastated her… Eventually, they started slowly talking again and remembered why they were so close to begin with. For the next 2 years, Kevin and Carla were constantly talking about school, friends, and life in general. In the back of her mind, she always knew that Kevin was interested in Beth, but in the back of her heart, she always believed that he was the one for her.

One night, Kevin and Carla were sitting on a bench, listening to the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks. The sky was filled with twinkling stars with a big bright moon in the middle of it all. Carla was crying about a fight that she had gotten in to earlier that day with her best friend. Kevin was trying the comfort her by assuring her that it wasn’t her fault and that if her best friend truly cared about her, then she wouldn’t stay mad at her.

“She will understand” he said.

As Carla wiped off the tears in her eyes, she looked up into the night sky.

“What a beautiful night. There are so many starts out!”

Kevin turned to Carla and said “It is beautiful.. Just like you.”

Surprised, Carla turned to Kevin with a look of confusion and a bit of anticipation.

“It took me a while to realize, but you’re my star Carla..”

Carla’s heart was beating through her chest, unable to say a single word… That is when he lifted his hand to her cheek and kissed her under the night sky.

 

~ “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours. If they don’t they never were”

Ning ZeTao

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Now, I’m not one to fan girl about celebrities or anything, but I was (and still am) totally fan girling for him! Not only is he a good swimmer, but he’s also extremely down to earth and it doesn’t hurt that he’s quite the looker as well…

I have to admit, I was first attracted to him by his incredibly good looks, but I later learned that he was an incredible freestyle, sprint swimmer and was also in the navy. He’s not like some of the other athletes who make up an excuse for not winning. He’s extremely real in the sense that he speaks realistically of his performances. If he thinks that he did his best, he says it, even if he didn’t place. As long as he’s satisfied with his performance, then that’s all that matters. And come on.. he’s only 23. He still has some time to improve. It would be pretty great to watch him compete in future competitions as well. Either way, I think I can speak on behalf of a lot of us when I say that he is an ∞/10. Let’s go China!

He’s like.. cute and hot… Does that even make any sense?!?

*Disclaimer: I don’t own the rights to these pictures. All of the rights are reserved to the original owners.

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So mesmerizing…

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How can you even resist that face??! Soooo cutee!

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Abs for days…

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Too cutee! I would love to be at the opposite side of that table.

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Okay, okay.. Last one.

Do you see what I mean now when I say cute and hot?? 😍

First Year Challenges

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First year of university is always a frightening thing. You don’t know what will happen, what friends you’re going to make, how life will change. After completing the first year of university, here are some things that I think were the biggest changes to my life.

1. Stress

You may not realize it when it’s happening, but during the first few months of first year, I was actually going through more stress than I ever have before. I was stressed because I was alone, I didn’t know what to expect from school, I barely had any friends, etc. So much contributed to this and I just didn’t think that it would have such an impact on me. I underestimated my abilities to adapt. This will be further explained in the other categories listed underneath.

2. Independence

This is something that I struggled with the most during my first year. I am an only child, extremely close with my family, and the longest I’ve been away from both of my parents is less than a week from when I went to summer camp. With that being said, it was extremely hard for me to be independent in a place where I was unfamiliar with and where I barely knew anyone. It took me a while to adapt and be comfortable in my surroundings. Now, once I have adapted, the freedom that you have is exhilarating. I loved being able to do what I wanted when I wanted.

3. Academics

I was never the smartest or the one who had the highest grade in class, but I also wasn’t the worst student. After arriving at university, this didn’t really change much. I’m not the best, but I don’t think that I’m the worst. The thing that really changed for me is how you need to rely on yourself to study and do well. There is no such thing as “mandatory homework”. The prof doesn’t tell you what you have to do. They do however tell you what you should do to do good in the course. Now, whether you do it or not all depends on you. You choose what readings you want to do and when you want to do them. If you don’t understand something, you should take the initiative to attend office hours and get clarification. Especially since first year classes are really large, you really have to take initiative.

P.S. The amount of reading you have to do from the textbooks were a bit overwhelming as well.

4. Competition

This might be a category that’s different for everyone. My program was always known to have competitive students. I really understood what that meant during our first networking event. You truly do see the extent that people go through to make an impression on some of the recruiters. This was a bit intimidating for me as I wasn’t really exposed to this type of environment before. However, you start realizing that the competition is what makes the program great. It’s what contributes to the reputation that it has. After a while, I understood the importance of networking events and that a little competition never hurts anyone. Everything you do in life will be a competition. Whether it’s competing with someone for a job or competing with our own expectations to make us the best version of ourselves possible.

5. Extra Curriculars

Extra curricular activities. In high school, I wasn’t too involved. I didn’t feel a need to be involved and some groups like student council was mainly based on popularity. That’s something that I hated because it’s not based on your skills and abilities. This changed in university, as they only look at your skills, abilities, and personality. Also, the main reason I decided to join clubs and associations is to meet more people. University is so large that you’re never going to meet, let alone know everyone like you might have in high school. It’s a great way to meet others outside of your faculty and get involved.

Some people will have different opinions and experiences than I did and that’s totally okay. You might not go through some of the things I did either, but this is just some thoughts that I thought I’d put out there for you. There were quite a bit of changes for me, but those changes helped me grow as a person. Looking back, I tried and experienced new things, made a lot of new friends, and just loved the experience. I had a great first year.

A Night Owl at Heart

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I never really realized how much I loved the night life until now.

I have always been a night owl vs an early riser. It’s easy for me to stay awake past 3am but it’s agonizing for me to wake up at 10am the next day. During high school, staying up late was just a habit. Regardless if it was for school, or if I was watching a show, I never felt like I was “addicted” to staying awake. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I wasn’t overly excited because I was staying awake to do things. That all changed when I started university…

Being away from home, I had soo much more freedom to do what I want, when I wanted. If I wanted to get bubble tea with some friends at 11pm, we would hop on a bus and go. If my friends and I were bored and couldn’t sleep at 3am, we would walk down to McDonalds to get a cookies or something just to cure the boredom. It was honestly the best. I loved being out at night. I guess this is especially intriguing and exciting for me because regardless of what time it was, there will always be other people around you who are also up, doing the same thing. It was just so lively to be up, doing things late at night.

I’m back home right now as it’s the summer break, and I haven’t been able to stay out as late as I want to because my parents are a bit restrictive with the time that I have to be home. Because of this, I usually hang out with friends during the day and only rarely go out at night. Recently, I went out with my friends in the evening to get some food and just hang out. It was then that I realized how much I loved being out. The night scenery, the music, the cool breeze running through my hair, being with my other fellow night owls, just the excitement. When I’m out, I don’t feel tired. All I feel is the rush of excitement. There’s just so much more to do at night! It’s addicting I tell you.

Addicted… I am addicted to the lively, exciting, night life.

6 Tips for University/College

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After moving into my dorm, I’ve come across 6 helpful tips that might come in handy for you!

  1. Regardless of what type of room you’re in, ALWAYS bring a reusable water bottle or just a pack of water bottles. You will be replying on these to keep you hydrated, especially during Frosh.
  2. If you want cold water but you don’t want to use the tap or the water bottles, you can boil the water, let it cool for a bit, pour it into a jug and put it into the fridge. Overnight, your water will become nice and cool for you to drink 🙂
  3. If you share a fridge or anything else with your roommates, it’s a good idea to label your stuff with a coloured tape or something like that. This way, there will be less confusion and mix ups.
  4. It is usually best to bring a mattress pad or an old quilt to put under your bed sheets so that the bed is softer and more comfortable. I’m not so sure about other universities, but I know that a lot of the university beds are really hard and they hurt your back. With a mattress pad or anything else to soften it up, it will really help with having a more comfortable sleep and a less aching back.
  5. Shower caddies and over the door hooks are really really useful. As for shower caddies, it saves you the trouble of having to carry everything in your arms and finding a place to put them. With a caddie, you can just bring it into the washroom with you, hang it up, and then take it back into your room. Some shower caddies also have hooks attached which are really convenient for hanging towels and shower caps. Moving on to over the door hooks, they don’t damage the doors or walls and they are able to hold a lot of weight. these are multipurpose and you can just reuse it over and over again.
  6. I know this from personal experience, but it’s okay to be home sick. Missing your family back home, your old life, is normal. You are not alone. Especially if you’re an only child, it’s really really hard to get over the fact that you’re really alone now. No parents, no nothing. It does get better though, especially if you’re in a program that you love and are really excited about. Once in a while you might have those breakdowns where you just want to cry because you miss your family. It’s okay. Cry it out. You’ll feel a lot better afterwards. Also, it helps to skype or call your family every so often to help with this. For me, it helped a lot!

If you’d want any more information or you’d like to leave your thoughts and ideas, please leave them in the comments 🙂

Rude Much?

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Sometimes I just don’t understand.. I mean, even if something is bothering them, they should still kind of be nice or relatively nice about it right?

I don’t know… I was skyping with my parents in my room and when I finished and went downstairs, one of my roommates, who is also my best friend, told me that I was being too loud and that when I’d say something, she’d yell the same thing back… Is it just me or is that just kind of rude and disrespectful?? Not only that, but she is now mad at me and is talking to me in a rude tone. I understand that I was bothering her, but she could have went about it a better way… I mean, if the roles were reversed, I might be upset, but I’d understand because she’s talking with her parents and it’s not like she’s doing it on purpose… I just though that as a best friend and just for the common courtesy, she would have said it in a better way and just be more understanding… She knows that I’ve been missing home a LOT, so I don’t know why she would yell back the same things I was saying which to me seems like she’s mocking me and really being disrespectful. I could totally be over reacting right now, but it’s just how I thought of the whole thing.

I guess this is the only place where I can really vent and share these feelings I’ve been having. If you guys have anything to share, leave it in the comments 🙂

Sigh..

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You know, I never really thought it was that big of a deal to fail a driving test… I mean, you’re going to get it eventually, it’s just a matter of time. That was until I failed my driving test..

Going into this, I was just hoping to pass on my first shot, trying to make it a one time thing. It was going so well too and I was sure that I was going to pass until I turned into the intersection that leads to the entrance of the testing centre. Stupid cars don’t really give a damn if you’re doing a test or not. I really thought that maybe, they would have tried to help me.. But nope. While I was trying to change lanes, a car speeds up and passes me from behind right when I was going to change lanes. That screwed me over. At that point I knew that I could kiss that licence good bye.

Now talking a bit about my driving instructor.. He was absolutely horrible. I hated him. He would always be late to lessons, cancel lessons last minute, forget that we scheduled a lesson, etc. I was so pissed at him for making this experience so much more complicated than it needs to be and less enjoyable. I mean, even in the day of the test, he came 30 minutes late… Who does this?? I was panicing! Gosh… I guess it’s just my bad luck that I got him as my instructor… He also kind of pushed everything to the last minute. So, for the first 7 lessons, he would just take you driving on the street. On the last few lessons, he finally taught me parking and lane switched… I’m just glad that I’m done with him now. Next time I attempt this test, I’m going to use my parent’s car. 👍

I’m not trying to push the blame 1st the beginning of this post, but just trying to vent a bit. I know that it was definitely my fault for not seeing the car sooner and reacting properly to it. But as I was saying earlier, I never thought that it was a huge deal. But I actually thought of it as a huge deal when I failed even though other people didn’t… I guess that’s just my personality right? Sigh.. Back to practicing and hoping that the second shot will be better.