Sometimes Sayings are all that it is… A Saying

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Advice, Blogging, college, Experiences, Family, Life, Priorities, Relationships, Sayings, School, Self Reflection, Studies, Thoughts, University

Growing up, I’ve heard many adults say, “Don’t date while you’re still in school or else you’ll get bad grades!”. I’ve tried to abide by that rule, but what ended up happening was that I would date in secret and lie about my relationship status to my family.

At the time, I kept thinking about that saying and reminding myself that I was keeping a secret, and I need to keep up my grades so that the secret won’t be revealed. With this mentality, I was able to keep up my grades and get into a well respected university. During that time, I had a feeling that my parents might have known about what was going on in my personal life, but didn’t really say anything about it explicitly because there wasn’t a reason for them to scold me. I wasn’t getting bad grades, and I wasn’t become a “bad child”.

In university, I was surprisingly single until halfway through my third year. During that time, my grades weren’t that bad but they weren’t exceptionally good either. I thought that maybe because I had more time to focus on school work, I’ll be able increase my average. I couldn’t have been more wrong. At the beginning, I spent a lot of time studying but my grades still remained around the same average as before. After some time has passed, I realized that I’m not one of those individuals who can sit in front of a textbook and just study for hours on end. I get restless and unproductive. Because of this, I’ve learned to take breaks when needed and get as much work done as I possibly can when I am motivated and focused. By doing this, I realized that overall, I was spending less time studying, but my grades has still been rather consistent. Then, earlier this year, I met a guy and got into a relationship. One question that was constantly running through my mind is if my grades were going to fall because of this change in status. After a little while, I realized that not only were my grades not slipping, but I was a lot happier than I was before. Through this realization, I’ve learned that the saying really doesn’t work on everyone. It really depends on who you are as a person and how you prioritize things.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that being in a relationship could be harmful to other aspects of your life if you let it. But, it’s not going to be the sole determination between what breaks you and what makes you. If you’re able to set your priorities straight and manage your time, the saying “Don’t date while you’re still in school or else you’ll get bad grades” is all that it is… A saying.

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The Story of Us – Chapter 4: Movie Nights (Part 1)

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Date, Experiences, Going Out, Heart, Life, Love, Love Story, Movie Night, Our Thing, Relationships, Social Life, Stories, Traditions, University, Us

Movie nights have always been “our thing”. After our first meetup/date at the bubble tea place and dinner, we’ve been having occasional spontaneous movie nights, where we would go to the gym and then he would come over to my unit and we would just watch a movie. Our first movie night happened a week after we first met. I know, it might have been a little quick, but the conversations we’ve been having at the gym went really well and I thought that no harm could come with just having a movie night.

It was a Friday and I just happened to mention that I was thinking about just going back and watching a movie since my roommate is out too. He didn’t really catch the hint at that point but just asked “Oh, what movie were you thinking of watching?” I didn’t really pick out a movie yet, so I just said that I wasn’t sure, and that was the end of that conversation. After we were done working out at the gym, he walked me back to my unit and took a little pause before saying bye. I thought that maybe he wanted to ask if I wanted to watch a movie with him, but unfortunately, he didn’t… At that point, I wasn’t sure if he was just too shy to ask, if he didn’t catch the hint, or if he just wasn’t that into me as I was into him. After I went into my unit, I messaged him and asked if he wanted to say something right before he said bye (I know, very forward of me right?). At first he said, “No, I was just tired :P”. With which I just responded by saying, “Ohh, okay.” Afterwards he replied by saying, “But I guess I was also wondering if you wanted to watch a movie together.” The way he said it made it seem like he didn’t really want to, but he was just saying it for the sake of saying it (or maybe I’m just thinking too much). But regardless, I wanted to see where this could go, so I said, “Yeah, sure.”

Later that night, he came over and we were browsing through Netflix to see what we could watch. I really love horror films (even though I get scared while watching them), so I suggested watching a horror film. He really didn’t like horror films but he was acting like it was all cool. I could tell that he was just pretending like it was okay as well. The movie started, and within the first 5 minutes, he said, “Actually, can we change the movie?”. He told me before that he could be a little blunt sometimes, but I was okay with it as long as it’s not too insensitive. In this situation, I thought it was really cute how he was willing to try and watch a horror film, even though he hated them and was really quite afraid of them as well (it’s also kinda cute to see this man who was taller and bigger than me to be scared, but trying to play it cool and act like he was okay with everything). Anyways, I said, “Yeah, of course! What do you want to watch?” We browsed through a few movies but non of it really caught our attention. He mentioned that he liked a few of the Disney movies, so I mentioned that I LOVE Beauty and the Beast. Surprisingly, he said that he’s never actually seen the movie. So I suggested that we watch that, and we did.

After the movie, we listened to some music on his Spofity account and just talked about the music. At around 2am, he thought that it was getting late and headed back to his unit. All we did that night was just watch a movie and talk about music. It felt really nice that I didn’t have to worry about him trying to use me for an ulterior motive (which he could have expressed if that’s what he wanted, since no one else was in the unit at the time). I had a great time and I really hope that he thought the same. The next morning, he messaged me, saying that his roommates wanted to invite me over to a movie night in their unit. I was shocked and I had no idea what I should say. If I say yes, would we be moving too fast? As an introvert, would I be able to keep a conversation going with them? Will they like me? If I said no, would I be giving up an opportunity to meet and interact with people who are actually close with him? Would I regret not saying yes? I decided to take a risk and I just went for it. This was very last minute and I usually don’t just get invited to or go over to someone’s house/unit unless it’s just to interact with the individual that I knew. Usually when I go over to someone’s house for the first time, I would bring a little something. This was soo last minute and I didn’t know these people, so I had no idea what to bring. My roommate always bakes, so I thought that maybe baking cookies would be a good idea. I ended up baking some butter cookies and just brought it as a snack that we could have while watching the movie.

After I finished baking the cookies, it was now time to decide what to wear. I literally had no idea what type of outfit I should wear. This was the first time that I would meet his roommates, so I thought that I should make a good first impression. What better way to start than by dressing nicely? I tried on a few outfits and asked my roommate for her opinion on which one was best. I ended up going with a simple salmon like boyfriend tee, with a high-waisted black jeggings, where the front of my tee was tucked in to my jeggings. I them put on some light makeup and was ready for the movie. It was around 8 when he messaged me and asked me if I was ready for the movie. I low-key was ready like 2 hours ago, but he didn’t need to know that (😅). I told him that I was ready and he said “Okay, I’ll come down to get you”. I don’t know why, but I thought that that was a very gentlemanly act for him to do. I wasn’t sure if he was just going to tell me the room number or if he was going to come down and get me, but I’m very glad that he came to pick me up.

On our way up to the unit, I was insanely scared and nervous. He was trying to tell me that it’ll be okay, but they might just ask me a few questions. Welp… That definitely didn’t help calm my nerves… I could be a little awkward when I’m first talking with strangers, and I really didn’t want to be like that today and make the whole situation as awkward as it could possibly be.

We arrived at his unit and he walked in, saying “We’re here”…

The Story of Us – Chapter 3: Cheese Wontons

Tags

Blogging, Experiences, Life, Love, Love Story, Relationships, Stories, University, Us

It’s been a long time since anyone of the opposite sex has really done something for me because they genuinely cared about me. I usually tend to pull back a little whenever something like that really happens because I’m scared of how things would progress. I knew that if someone did something that really touched me, then I would be in big trouble because I would start falling for him. The uncertainty of everything that comes afterwards scares me. With that being said, before I’ve reached that point, I’m a very open and I guess “risky” person. I’m willing to meet up with strangers and have dinner or just hang out, which was my mindset going into all of this. Especially since we haven’t known each other for very long, I was open to the possibilities.

That night was very unexpected… Well… To be fair, I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect going into the night. I had just finished a midterm and got ready within 15 minutes. We’ve hung out a few times before, but this was our first real date!! And it was on Valentine’s Day too! I was actually quite nervous going into the whole thing, which tends to make me a little more talkative than usual. We didn’t go to a fancy restaurant or anything, but just a casual, sit down restaurant near campus. He was new to the area and I didn’t really know any other places nearby so it was our best bet.

When we got to the plaza, to my surprise, I saw a few of my friends waiting for their order at a nearby bubble tea shop. I didn’t really want to see anyone I knew because I didn’t want anyone asking any questions, as everything was still very very new. When we were walking by, my friends saw me and we made eye contact so we said hi and I introduced him to them. They didn’t ask me anything about it afterwards which was great. Probably because we weren’t THAT close at the time. Anyways, we got to the restaurant and sat down. As usual, I was having trouble deciding on what to get. What made it harder to decide was the fact that my mind kept on wondering what he was thinking and how he thought about me and the date so far. While we were looking at the menu, he saw that the restaurant had cheese wontons and so he brought it up, talking about how he’s never really liked them that much. I lovee cheese wontons so I said, “Really?? I really like them! I actually had them for the first time in this restaurant!”. To my surprise, his instant reaction was, “Okay, let’s get them then”. I was shocked! I then said, “Wait, what? But you don’t like them!”. Which he replied by saying, “Well, I haven’t had them in a long time. Maybe I’ll like these ones”. I was insanely touched that he did that. At that moment, I realized how thoughtful he was. Afterwards, we ordered and got our food.

When the food arrived, we were in the middle of talking about music. We said “Thank You” to the waiter and started to eat while talking. I think he ordered salmon on rice, while I ordered sushi. He split some of the salmon and put it on my plate. Once again, I was insanely touched. This just adds to how thoughtful he really is. After a little while, he mentioned that the rice was really under cooked and the salmon was a little over cooked. That’s when I realized that he was insanely critical about food. Not in a very negative and serious way though, which is all that matters! After that happened, I just started teasing him about how critical and picky he is. That led to us to talk about Gordon Ramsey and his show, Kitchen Nightmares. I teased him by asking him if I should ask them to bring out the chef so that he could have a little face-to-face talk with him. We laughed about it and moved on to another topic.

After we were done our dinner, we got up to pay and was walking out of the building. On our way out, he almost slipped 2 times. Once when we were still in the building, and once again right when we stepped outside. I chuckled a little because it’s one of the few times I’ve caught him off-guard. It was understandable though because it was very wet and icy, since it was still winter. When we got back to the building, he walked me to my unit and we hung out with my roommate and her friends for a while. That was the night I think I got a little more comfortable around him. It might have been because I already knew my roommate and some of her friends so I was a little more easy going and willing to engage in conversations. It also helped that my roommate and her friends are extremely extroverted so they were able to keep a conversation going. At around 12am, he thought that it was getting late and decided to head back to his unit. I was wondering if he was going to give me a goodnight kiss, but unfortunately he didn’t. We said our goodbyes and he left. I guess I’ll just have to wait for another time to get that kiss.

The Story of Us – Chapter 2: The First Date

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Blogging, Experiences, Heart, Life, Love, My Story, Online, Relationships, School, Stories, Thoughts, University

It’s crazy to think that this is where I would be in a few years time. If you told me a few years ago that I would be on this site, talking to and meeting up with strangers, I would never have believed you. In high school, I was always known as the “goody-two-shoes”. The one who always did what was right, and never took many risks or deviated from their parent’s plans. Since then, I’ve learned that I should do what makes me happy, regardless of what others might think. After my last relationship, I was hesitant to finding someone else. It took me an extremely long time to get over him, and I was ready to move on. I didn’t even know what to expect or what I really wanted when I signed up for online dating, but I just thought that there’s not much that could go wrong, so why not try. It’s another opportunity that might turn into an unexpected, life changing, event (A little extreme, I know).

I’m usually not the type to make a first move. If I’m being honest, I’m actually terrified of making a first move and getting turned down. That’s why, I’d only make a first move if I’m +99% sure that the other person is on the same page as I am. With that being said, I’m not really sure why I took a chance that day. After meeting with him for the first time, we were talking about bubble tea places that were good in the area. He was new to the place and haven’t been to many. There was this one place that I always went and just like that, I said “If you want, we could go there some time.” To my surprise, he said “I’d love that”. And that’s how we went on our first date. Yes, I made the first move, and yes, I was out of my comfort zone. But no, I don’t regret anything.

That day, we met up after he finished work and walked over. After we got our bubble teas, we just sat there and talked. There were a few awkward silences, but after we were both done, he still asked if I was hungry and if I wanted to get dinner. There was a pretty good restaurant in the area, so I thought “why not” and just went for it. During dinner, we just talked some more. I really don’t remember what we even talked about, but it was enough to last a couple of hours. At the end of the night, he walked me back to my apartment and we parted ways. To be completely honest, I was a little confused about where we stood. I guess this is where the traditional side of me kind of took over…

So, there’s always the debate about whether or not the guy should pay on the first date. I always thought that if a guy was interested in you, then he would offer to pay for that first date. If not, then it’s not a big deal either because I’m able to pay for myself, but I would just start to wonder about how the guy thought about the whole situation. To be fair, I was the one who asked him out to get bubble tea, so I guess it would make sense that either I paid or we just split it equally. Regardless, it was a thought that kept lingering in my mind. I guess it isn’t really the money that was really bothering me, but more so that I didn’t know where his heart laid. Afterwards, I just waited for him to message me and see where things went from there.

The next day, we continued going to the gym together, and soon after, he asked me to dinner for Valentine’s Day. That was when I knew that he was interested in me, like I was interested in him. Coincidentally, I had an exam on Valentine’s Day, but he was okay with having a later dinner. That night, we went to the same place we went before. This time, the conversations we had were a little different. I could feel that the conversations went a little smoother, and we were a bit more comfortable just being around each other. One thing that he did that really touched me was that he ordered Cheese Wontons for me…

The Story of Us – Chapter 1: A New Generation

Tags

Coincidences, college, Dating, Experiences, Gym, Life, Love, Love Story, Online, Relationships, Stories

It’s weird how much technology has changed society. One minute people are shy to ask someone out to the school dance and the next, everyone’s meeting people and hooking up via online apps.

I’ve never actually believed in the whole “online dating” concept. I was more of a traditional girl who believed that the best way to meet someone is through the most natural process. If you told me 3 years ago that I would be creating a dating profile and actually meeting with some of the people I met online, I wouldn’t have believed you.

I actually met quite a bit of interesting people online and in person as well. I think the whole experience helped myself open up more and be more comfortable when conversing with others. Don’t get me wrong, I might have created a profile and have met some of the people I’ve talked with, but it was never in the “hookup” sense. I’m not that kind of person and I don’t think that I’ll ever be. Through this entire experience, I was actually really quite hush about the whole thing and didn’t really tell many other people because I knew that some of my friends would judge me. A main reason why I even got the app in the first place was because I have a few friends (different group of friends) who met their significant others through the app. Crazy right? I thought “What the hell, it’s a new generation”.

And that’s how I met him.

When we started talking, I didn’t really think too much about it because the conversations were really casual and nothing like the other conversations I was having with some of the other guys. He wasn’t flirting or really showing any signs that he was interested in anything more than just finding a friend to talk to. It wasn’t until one night where we were just having a really long, ongoing conversation about 5 different topics where he just started making me die of laughter. We ended up talking until like 3am that night and that’s when he left a lasting impression on me. At that point, I wasn’t really sure where things were or where they were going because he still wasn’t flirting with me or anything so I just thought “let’s just wait and see where things go from here”. The next day is when things took a different turn.

I made a New Year’s resolution to exercise as much as I can and try to change this image I’ve always had about myself. I wanted to make a difference in my life and become the person I’ve always wanted to be so that I could do something about my insecurities. That afternoon at around 3pm, I went to the gym like how I usually would and just hopped on the bikes. I would usually just listen to music, but that day, I decided to watch YouTube videos, thinking that it’ll make time pass a little quicker. While looking down at my screen, I see this guy walk in to the gym who looks a lot like him. There were a few times where he would turn around to tie his shoes or stretch and that’s how I knew for sure that that was him. I was upstairs in the yoga room so at first, I just continued biking while he was running. After I was done, I did some stretches when I noticed that he finished running and was wiping down the treadmill. I didn’t want to accidentally run into him so I grabbed my stuff and jetted for the stairs. Coincidentally, I ran into him while I was going down and he was coming up. We made some eye contact, but being the shy, awkward girl that I am, I just continued running down the stairs as fast as I could. I don’t know why, but I was just so shy and scared to unexpectedly meet him. I didn’t look my best either because, well, I was at the gym. There was a part of me that hoped he didn’t see me, but another part of me that hoped that he did

Later that night, he asked me if I went to the gym in this specific building and I knew that I was caught. . It was really a coincidence and we both knew it. After that day, we just started going to the gym together for about 30-40 mins. He started just using the bikes because I mentioned that that’s usually what I do. While on the bikes, we would just talk. Nothing more, nothing less. After the first time we worked out together, he ended up talking with me to my floor, even though he lived in the second tower. I’m not sure if I was thinking too much or something, but I thought it was really sweet.

And that is how we met.

Behind my Smile

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Blog, Blogging, Change, Family, Growing Up, High school, Hurt, Life, My Story, Problems, School, Self Worth, Smile, Stress, Thoughts

If you knew me in real life, you would think that everything in my life is perfect. Nothing will really affect me enough for me not to have a smile on my face. If you were able to see the life that I’m living behind the curtains, you would think otherwise.

When I was a child, I was quite aggressive and rude. Looking back, my behaviour wasn’t the best. My temper was even worse. This was mainly because of the type of household I grew up in and who I was hanging out with at school. I’m not proud of who I was, but I can confidently say that if it wasn’t for who I was and realizing the type of person that I was, I would never have become who I am now.

I think I started to realize that my temper and my behaviour wasn’t the best in high school. I wasn’t entirely clear of who I was until my senior year. My temper was (and still kind of is) horrendous because of the way I grew up. Growing up, I rarely smiled and I was incredibly shy. I’m not entirely sure why, but in performances and videos, I would always have a straight face on. Also, growing up, very rarely did my dad sit me down and talk to me politely and explain things to me in a calm manner. It was usually told by him through anger and with him yelling at me. It got to a point where I would just talk back which made him even more pissed because he never listened to what anyone else would say. If he’s made up his mind, there’s nothing anyone could say to change that. In his mind, everything he thinks is 100% accurate and is the truth. It was very hard for me to hid the anger and the frustration whenever others were to upset me. I would fight fire with fire. Looking back, I’m ashamed that I let my anger get to the best of me and let it control me. Even now, I struggle with regulating my emotions because I am extremely sensitive but at the same time, I don’t want others to see that.

My behaviour started acting up when I was in elementary school. I was in a school that was predominately one race and I felt like an outsider. I thought that the only way to “fit in” was to hang out with the “cool kids” and do whatever they were doing. Even if that meant swearing and fighting at the age of 11. After my best friend moved away a few years later, I decided to switch schools, and that made all the difference.

Because of these experiences, I told myself that I will smile more and I won’t jump to conclusions too fast. I don’t want people to see the sad parts of my life because I don’t want their perception of me to change. I don’t want them to know that I’m anything else than the happy and bubbly person that I try to portray myself as. But in all honesty, I’m broken. I have trust issues, I have a hard time letting people in and telling them my struggles. Just with my best friend, it took about  year to a year and a half for me to be more open and honest with how I’m feeling and the things that I’m going through. It’s progress, but I still question whether I should tell someone about my problems, regardless of who it is.

The transition from who I was to who I am now is still a work in progress. I’ve come a long way to becoming who I am now or who I seem to be, but there’s still a lot of work I need to do emotionally. But something like that isn’t an issue the ordinary person would see just by having one or two conversations with me. Even if they’ve known me for years, they still might not know anything behind the smile. And that’s because I’ve done such a good job hiding it so deep down that my automatic reaction is to shut everyone out. The only way for me to get out the feelings I have inside is through these blog posts where no one knows who I am. That’s the only way I’ll feel comfortable letting anyone in.

Falling too Hard, too Fast

Tags

Blogging, Broken, Experiences, Heart, Hurt, Life, Love, My Story, School

2 years… It’s been 2 years since my last relationship. If you asked me 3 years ago where I see my love life in 3 years, I definitely wouldn’t have imagined it to be like this.

In high school, I was pretty outgoing and really quite vocal about my feelings towards certain people. I also wasn’t as self conscious as I am now… I guess my life events really did alter who I am as a person.

If you asked me a month ago how I saw myself, I would say that I have more self-confidence than I did before, I’m proud of where I am in life, and I believe that as long as I work hard, I’ll be able to achieve anything I want. Now, if you asked me that now, I would still say 2/3 of those things, but the one I think is most important is now something I’m struggling with. Self-confidence.

In August, I got a tattoo that says “faith”. I got it to remind myself to always have faith in myself and the things that I did. This really boosted my self-esteem and gave me a lot more confidence than I originally had. I thought that I’ve finally changed the way I see myself and that I can finally stand up tall and be truly satisfied with myself. That all changed when, after 2.5 years, I came across a guy that really caught my attention. He has all of the qualities I would want in a boyfriend… Tall, incredibly cute, caring, outgoing, easy to talk to, smart, and the list goes on. After interacting with him, I’ve started to doubt myself more and more. Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Am I too fat? Does he like me? What if he thinks I’m annoying? All these questions bombard my mind as I think about all the different possibilities. All this, just because I don’t know what’s going on in his mind… I understand that everyone has their “type” and not everyone is everyone’s “type”, and this is what scares me the most. I don’t know what he thinks of me, I don’t know if I’m his type. I’m terrified of falling for someone and then getting hurt again. It took me so long to get over my ex. I can’t and I won’t let my feelings get the best of me… But then again, this is getting in the way of any advancements I could have with him… Why can’t I just be the stupid, naive, spontaneous girl I was 3 years ago? Why am I so scared and doubting myself because of this one person? … Because I’ve built a wall around my heart and I’m scared of letting anyone near it.

2.5 years… It’s been too long…

Now, I’m just afraid that I’ll fall too hard, too fast.

Too Reliant…?

Tags

college, Dissapointment, Expectations, Family, Life, Overwhelmed, School, Stress, University

I always thought that it was a great thing that my parents can count on me and that I’m able to do some stuff and help out my parents whenever they need it. However, recently, I’ve been starting to feel like it’s becoming an overwhelming amount… I have so much work (school and others) and I’m trying to prioritize, but whenever I say that I can’t do something for my parents, my dad get upset. It’s like, he wants me to excel in school, while having some extra curricular activities, having a social life, and be able to do whatever he needs whenever he needs it. I’m just one person… They rely on me for so much now that I can’t even feel bad when I say no to them because I know it’s a relatively small thing compared to what I need to do. Needless to say, I am an only child and that’s why they tend to rely on me for everything. Don’t get me wrong, I want to help my parents and do as much as I can for them. I just think that with the amount of stress i have, prioritizing my work is the only way I’m able to stay sane.

Now, some of you might be thinking that I’m over exaggerating here. Trust me when I say that I wish I was. My family friends recently asked us to go to Chicago for a little get-away. We agreed and now we’re going to go. After establishing this, my dad asked me if there were any new requirements to entering the country or if anything has changed. I said that I wasn’t sure and my mom said that they will just search it up and look into it. Before my mom even finished that sentence, my dad said “Our daughter can do it. She just has to do a quick search and I’m sure she can find it faster than us anyways.” I was flattered to hear that, but he told me to do this during the week that I had 2 midterms. I was so stressed already with midterms, but I didn’t want to disappoint him so what do I say… “Of course I can do it. It won’t take long.” It’s little things like this that I can’t say no, but I just hate myself for saying yes. Just today, my parents called me and asked if I was doing anything tonight. I said that I wasn’t because I wanted to focus on my studies. My dad instantly said “Oh, then we’ll come pick you up tonight instead of tomorrow” (because we’re driving to Chicago the day after). I said that I kinda just wanted to stay at school so that I’m able to focus a bit more on my school work. He then said that I can take an early bus home so that I can watch the house while our tenants moved out and while he’s at a dentist appointment… I know that if I go home, I’m not going to be able to concentrate. I asked if I could come home later because I want to focus a bit more on my school work… He got mad… I don’t understand. He always tells me that my education is the most important thing and now, that’s exactly what he’s depriving me of. I have another midterm next week, I practically failed a previous one for the course, so I literally have no choice but to do good. He knows this.

This rant is getting a little long, so I’ll probably just end it with a few last sentences. I’m usually very good at fitting everything in and ensuring that I’m able to complete everything everyone wants me to even if I have to full all-nighters to do it. But I guess this week, with the added amount of work from my extra curricular activities, the added pressure from midterms, and the added stress from not having enough time is getting to me… I don’t know what I should do anymore…

“Minor” Setbacks…

Tags

Average, Expectations, Family, Proud, School, Special, Standards, University

Recently, it just hit me how my parents think of me as just “okay” and “mediocre”.

Throughout high school and into university, one of the best things that’s happened to me is hearing from my dad, on my high school graduation day, that he was proud of me and that I’m better than how he thought I was. As a child growing up, my dad didn’t really care too much about how I was doing. As long as I wasn’t failing and my grades were decent, then everything was okay. I always thought that he didn’t care too much about what I was doing because what I was doing was never enough. My mom was usually the one who cared a lot about my grades, extra curriculars, etc. I knew that I was always “mediocre” in my dad’s mind until my graduation day. I was so happy to hear those words from him. At that moment, it seemed like everything I’ve gone through, relying on myself for everything, was worth it. Now, just today, I realized that my mom has only viewed me as “mediocre”. And at this point, I feel like pleasing her is the hardest thing in the world…

My mom has been with me through almost everything. Usually if something happens, she’s the one who I can talk to and will help me through everything. So when hearing her say “My judgement is pretty accurate. You’re average, maybe a little above average at times. That’s how you were in high school and that’s how you are now.” really struck home. I was already feeling a bit upset because I wasn’t able to get a job that one of my other friends got, so hearing that from my mom didn’t really boost my self-confidence. That was the moment that I realized how high my mom’s standards are and how I might never be able to meet them.

Everything I’ve done and everything I’m doing is so that I’m able to make my parents proud and show them that their efforts didn’t go to waste… That I am the daughter that they raised me to be. I’ve hit rock bottom and I can tell you that it wasn’t easy for me to climb back up. But I did it. When I was younger, I knew that my parents might not have been fully satisfied with my accomplishments and they’ve never thought I was really that great, but I used that as my motivation to prove them wrong. Now, the first time ever, I’m wondering if I’m able to achieve that… I know that I shouldn’t be too quick to judge and I should still try even if I don’t end up doing it, but it’s hard… It’s really damn hard to do that when you know that your parents have always and might always think that I’m nothing but “average”…

Is High School better than College…?

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High school was so much easier… But just because it was easier, does it make it better?

Recently, I’ve encountered a whole list of set backs. From academics, to extracurriculars, to friends. Now, it’s not as bad as it sounds. I would consider them to be rather minor setbacks, but we, as humans, have a habit of holding onto those setbacks and letting it linger in our hearts. Or well, I do anyways. With these setbacks, I’ve been wondering if I felt better in high school. If things were easier. I think the main reason why I started thinking about this is because the last time I had a major hit in academics was in grade 12, before I graduated. I was stressed during that time because I had to maintain a certain average to retain one of my university acceptances, and my calculus mark was just fluctuating. I remember breaking down a few times either during or after school because I was so stressed out about my mark. Now, I just received one of my midterm marks back and I’m feeling the same sense of anxiety and stress. I feel like breaking down, but my mind isn’t letting me because I have 2 more exams coming up this week. I absolutely hate this feeling. I just want to cry and let it all out, but I have no time…

It wasn’t until writing this post that I realized something. When I was telling you my experience in high school, I remembered the thought I had about a year ago. I was thinking back to how stressed I was in high school and how it really doesn’t matter now what that mark is. I did manage to maintain the average that I needed, but I didn’t even end up choosing that university. I realized how irrelevant it is in the grand scope of things. In 5 years, I’m not going to care about the 50% I got on a midterm in 2nd year. The only reason and motivation for me to continue and to do better in the course is first, passing the course, and the idea of getting a great job. I believe that I am able to do better because I know where my flaws are. I will improve, and that is my determination.

Going back to the whole high school idea, even though I did experience a similar situation, there was a lot less stress in terms of everything else I had going on in my life. But then I remembered all of the good things that has happened since I’ve been in university. The friends that I’ve made, the freedom, just the environment alone is one that I feel more comfortable in. So maybe high school was easier because the classes were easier, you had the same schedule every day with the same people, and you really didn’t have much to worry about (except when you’re anxiously waiting for that college acceptance). But university gives you an experience that you’ll never forget. With the added stress and pressure, it comes with a plethora of new friends, new experiences, and to be honest, a breath of fresh air. It’s here where I realized for the first time, that I’m going to be okay. And that regardless of what happens, I’m able to find my path and create the life that I want for my future.