Tags

, , , , , , ,

Recently, it just hit me how my parents think of me as just “okay” and “mediocre”.

Throughout high school and into university, one of the best things that’s happened to me is hearing from my dad, on my high school graduation day, that he was proud of me and that I’m better than how he thought I was. As a child growing up, my dad didn’t really care too much about how I was doing. As long as I wasn’t failing and my grades were decent, then everything was okay. I always thought that he didn’t care too much about what I was doing because what I was doing was never enough. My mom was usually the one who cared a lot about my grades, extra curriculars, etc. I knew that I was always “mediocre” in my dad’s mind until my graduation day. I was so happy to hear those words from him. At that moment, it seemed like everything I’ve gone through, relying on myself for everything, was worth it. Now, just today, I realized that my mom has only viewed me as “mediocre”. And at this point, I feel like pleasing her is the hardest thing in the world…

My mom has been with me through almost everything. Usually if something happens, she’s the one who I can talk to and will help me through everything. So when hearing her say “My judgement is pretty accurate. You’re average, maybe a little above average at times. That’s how you were in high school and that’s how you are now.” really struck home. I was already feeling a bit upset because I wasn’t able to get a job that one of my other friends got, so hearing that from my mom didn’t really boost my self-confidence. That was the moment that I realized how high my mom’s standards are and how I might never be able to meet them.

Everything I’ve done and everything I’m doing is so that I’m able to make my parents proud and show them that their efforts didn’t go to waste… That I am the daughter that they raised me to be. I’ve hit rock bottom and I can tell you that it wasn’t easy for me to climb back up. But I did it. When I was younger, I knew that my parents might not have been fully satisfied with my accomplishments and they’ve never thought I was really that great, but I used that as my motivation to prove them wrong. Now, the first time ever, I’m wondering if I’m able to achieve that… I know that I shouldn’t be too quick to judge and I should still try even if I don’t end up doing it, but it’s hard… It’s really damn hard to do that when you know that your parents have always and might always think that I’m nothing but “average”…

Advertisements