It’s been a little over a year since we went our separate ways. There is so much I wanted to tell you but I had to force myself to keep it all in. There are reasons why I couldn’t tell you and it’ll all be explained here (or most). I know that you’re living your new life, possibly with a new girl, and I’m not going to ruin that for you. Regardless whether it’s true or not, I can’t help but think that sometimes you miss me too… And what we were.
To start from the beginning, after we split, you still wanted and tried to keep in contact. Eventually, I gave in and we met. One thing I never told you is that you were the one who helped get me through one of the hardest days of my life. I agreed to meet with you that afternoon. During the morning, I was having a mental breakdown. It was something I’ve never experienced before in my life and it was terrifying. Even though it was a Monday, I was extremely homesick. Such thoughts preoccupied my mind and I couldn’t control my emotions. I was at the library studying between my two classes when I realized how bad things were. I couldn’t help but think that I missed home and whenever I did, I would start crying. I went to the washroom countless times that morning to try and control myself. You were the same old you, having a relatively normal conversation with me through text. When I agreed to meet up with you, I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know how things were going to go since it was the first time we were meeting up in over 2 months. I even told you afterwards that I didn’t know if you were the same person as before, or if the University life changed you too. When we met, it seemed as if things went back to how they were before… You made me laugh, you made me smile, you made me forget… Forget about all of my troubles.
After this meeting, we met more frequently throughout the year. Late night meetups for bubble tea, fries, or whatever else we were feeling. I will always remember and appreciate all that you did. How you walked me back to my residence, that was an hour walk away, how you were always there to hear me vent about my roommates, how you were there for me after the good and bad exams, and so much more. I don’t know how I would ever be able to repay you for that… I don’t know if you felt it, but there were multiple times where I felt like if we made one extra move, we would have been a couple again. The things we did, the way we acted when we were together, the way it felt being in your presence… It didn’t feel like we were “just friends”… Or maybe it was just me, wishing that things were different. There were countless times when I wanted to give you a sign.. Do you remember the time your phone ran out of battery while walking me home and we were on the couch, waiting for your phone to charge? There was a moment where I was looking at something off of your phone and I could feel my heart pounding because I knew that if I just lifted my head and looked up at you, we might have kissed… Do you remember how you would always ask for a water bottle when we arrived? I couldn’t help but wonder if these small things were just as simple as they sounded, or if it was an excuse to spend some time with me. Sometimes I think too much and you know that…
Recently, these moments have been replaying in my mind more frequently. I kept thinking about how different things would be now if I did one thing differently. Then I remember the things you’ve told me. The things you’ve experienced. You liked someone. Or I thought you did anyways. Someone else. When you told me about some of the things that happened, I couldn’t help but be a bit jealous. I acted like it wasn’t affecting me or anything (or I tried), but it kind of did… I didn’t know why. Things were over between us and I knew that we couldn’t get back, so why was I feeling like this? I don’t know.. Maybe I’ll never know. When you told me about your new relationship, I had a similar reaction. Of course I was happy for you, but I couldn’t help but wonder if she was prettier than me, smarter than me, just better than me.. I was comparing myself to this complete stranger and I had no idea why… Over the following months, I started to forget. What you did didn’t really affect me that much any more. I was moving on.. That is until we met up again near the end of summer.
Meeting up with our high school friends reminded me of what used to be. How life was before things got complicated. Or rather, before I made things complicated. When school started again, things were okay. I accepted the fact that some times I might be reminiscing about the past, but that’s only because it was a beautiful time. One thing I will never forget is how you were willing to let me stay in your room while you stayed somewhere else because my living accommodations weren’t ready. How persistent you were… How thoughtful and selfless you were.. But that’s who you are. Who you always were. That’s who I fell in love with… Throughout the term, there were love songs that came up on the radio and for some reason, it kept making me think of you. Us. For some reason, I kept dreaming about us getting back together under various situations. In the dream, it felt so right. Being in your warm embrace once again… But every time I woke up, I reminded myself that it was all just a dream, and that we can’t get back together..
I was the one who broke things off and now I’m the one writing this letter.. Pathetic right? I guess I was just afraid… I knew how badly it hurt when I left and I was afraid that the same thing will happen again.. I didn’t want to take the chance and go through that all over again. “If only I never let go of your hand… If only I woke up earlier that day…” That sentence is forever engraved in my mind and my heart. Now I have to tell you, If only I said something to you sooner, or sent this letter to you personally, “we” might not have only been referred to as the past. I still have the corsage you gave me for prom and I still read that last card you gave me… I know that you will probably never read this, but I need to say it. Or, well, write it. I needed to let it out because it was killing me inside. There’s so much more I wanted to tell you, but there’s no point now. You have your life and I have mine. I don’t want to interfere with what you have now and your happiness. My thoughts and feelings are things that I will get over with time. I want nothing more than for you to be happy and for you to realize and believe in your own potential.
I have always loved who you were.
~ Sincerely yours.